I have been extremely judgmental this week. And, somewhat counter-intuitively, this has actually improved my life instead of diminishing it.
The first instance involves the loss of a social media ‘friend’. She is someone who has amused me frequently over the several months that we were ‘Facebook friends’. But she has also showed a tendency to make some rather harsh statements from time to time that rubbed me the wrong way. If I demonstrated the capacity to suffer fools gladly, we would probably still be ‘friends’. But she had the habit of demonizing those whose philosophy, or even existence, offended her. I bit my tongue and rolled my eyes when this tendency first reared its ugly head. And then I gently tried to persuade her that adopting a more objective perspective would enable her to feel more tolerant toward a given “offender”.
But this last episode involved her biased and, to my mind, rather ignorant judgment about me and mine. I was not able give a placid and measured response. Instead, I told her how I felt. I judged her every bit as harshly as she so frequently judges others. She was not able to withstand this assault with equanimity. In the common vernacular, she could dish it out but she couldn’t take it. And so she “unfriended” and blocked me.
I have mixed feelings about this. I sincerely regret that I will no longer be able to enjoy the pleasant aspects of her online personality. She has inspired many a smile and one or two instances of laughing out loud. But I am genuinely relieved that I will no longer have to tender to her the forbearance required to maintain our relationship. Every person has their own particular peccadilloes, but once a person becomes insufferable… Well, then, they should no longer be suffered. But I bear her no malice. If I could communicate with her I would send her my sincere wishes that she live a long and happy life. I won’t delude myself that she would wish me the same. I know her too well to believe such a thing.
The second instance of overtly judgmental behavior on my part involved my inability to accept the… um, ‘eccentricities’ of the instructor who taught one of the new classes I am taking. The term started last week. I knew on the first night that this man was going to be a challenge for me. But I held out the hope that I would be able to adjust and it would all work out fine. Unfortunately, this was not to be. I have long been of the opinion that there are two kinds of educators. One of these is the variety that enjoys sharing their knowledge and opening up their students’ minds to new ideas and experiences. And the other type is the sort who enjoys teaching because it affords them the opportunity to be the center of attention and to be in control of the fate of others, if only in a limited arena. It is clear to me that this ‘educator’ belonged to the latter category.
Perhaps I sound vain as I come right out and say this, but I’m used to finding that my input to the classroom discussion is welcomed and appreciated by both my fellow students and the instructor. I am not used to my ideas and/or perspective being summarily dismissed – much less repeatedly. This is what happened the first night of class. That, in and of itself, was disturbing. But if that was the be all and end all of this man’s transgressions, I might, after some soul searching, have decided that not being one of the ‘stars’ of the class might be an opportunity for personal growth. In other words, it would be a ‘character building’ exercise. However, he had other offensive characteristics with which I had to bear.
Another of his heinous character flaws was a tendency to judge the worthiness of others via his gonads. His undivided attention was simply not accessible to anyone he did not find sexually attractive. One might hold his attention only so long as there were no attractive and nubile young women in the vicinity. If one such creature stepped within his field of view, he would immediately cease listening to whomever he was conversing with and strike up a conversation with the young lady who aroused his interest. He must then be firmly encouraged to resume the conversation he so readily abandoned in the first place. All the while he would apparently be completely oblivious to how rude this behavior seemed to others.
But that was not his worst sin. The most insupportable aspect of his character was his adamant refusal to be of any assistance to students who were struggling with meeting his academic demands. When I expressed an inability to understand exactly what the assignment was, he inferred that this was my own exclusive failing – a notion which conversations with other students soundly refuted. When I shared that I was new to the school and unfamiliar with the facilities on campus, he expressed incredulity. Then he implied that my ignorance was an aberrant phenomenon and something of which to be ashamed. This exchange quickly escalated and manifested itself in the form of raised voices and uncomfortably heightened emotions. I knew if I remained in his class I would either fail completely or run the risk of making a complete idiot of myself while trying to uphold my sense of self worth. That being the case, I felt no anxiety or need for hesitation before weighing him, finding him wanting, and subsequently replacing him. I dropped his class and transferred to an identical course which met at a different place and time, and, most importantly, had a different instructor.
In the normal course of my life I am rather regularly reminded that being judgmental usually has negative consequences – either in the short term or further on down the road. So I tend to feel guilty after a bout of unfettered condemnation of others. And, while quietly reflecting on my activities over the last week, I fully expected to experience some remorse and angst as a result of my behavior. But these feelings never presented themselves. After giving all due consideration to the upshot of my lack of understanding, leniency, and apparent incapacity to forgive, I decided that it is sometimes good to exercise prudent, measured, and justified discrimination against the forces of prejudice and chauvinism. I believe this is especially true when these forces try to pass themselves off as good guys by walking on stage wearing white hats.
Photo by zoonabar and found at:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/zoonabar/4616482864/sizes/m/in/photostream/
