Because silence is not a good color on me.

Daddy's Little Girl

2010-10-06T21:10:00.000-04:00

How warm a sensation is that of listening to the strange reverberation of my lover’s voice as it rumbles through his flesh? I lay in his arms with my ear against his chest. A smile spreads confidently and contentedly over my face as I breathe in deeply of his scent. He talks on, speaking of nothing either urgent or profound.

The romantic side of me would like to assert the notion that it is his voice alone that makes me smile and fills me with so much satisfaction. But, in truth, I have smiled this way while lying in the arms of other lovers, in other times and places far behind. It is like a reflex. It is the mutated sound of a man’s voice, and the scent of his flesh as can only be experienced when I am laying in his arms, which produces a seemingly hardwired reaction in me. I feel safe. I feel loved. Better yet, I feel worthy of being loved.

This is the closest I think I have ever come to understanding what it must be like to have had a father. This, I believe, must be what it is like to be physically close to, and affectionate with, a man in a way that is not explicitly sexual, and to have absolutely no doubt of my entitlement to his positive regard. This is what it must be like, I think, to be Daddy’s little girl. It is how I imagine it would feel, anyway.

And so, briefly, fleetingly, I live this strange proxy of a happy childhood experience with every new lover that I take. It never lasts very long. It is, after all, a substitute. And, as each relationship runs it course, I am reacquainted with the certain knowledge that I am neither safe nor loved. He is not my Daddy. I am not his little girl. My smile is dead and gone, too insubstantial to merit a burial.

This strange and beautiful sensation that this distorted voice awakened may be a memory from my very earliest days on Earth. I do not know. I only know that the voice is silent now, and will not be heard again until I have a new lover in whose arms I may lie and listen and hope for a better end to the story that it tells.

Photo by The Arbini Family. It can be found at http://www.flickr.com/photos/toddarbini/2243779116/#

Memories of 9/11 - How Far We Have Not Come

2010-09-11T12:29:00.002-04:00

Today I read a firsthand account of an online friend about her experiences on September 11, 2001 in Manhattan. She had done an amazing job of it. So many horrifying sights and thoughts and feelings are hard to collect and arrange in a coherent manner. It was very elegantly done. http://tinyurl.com/238gmxr

I have tried a couple of times to write about my own memories of that day – without much success. My experience was quite different from hers, but nonetheless memorable for me.

I was hundreds of miles away and an active duty member of the US Navy. I was literally 'in uniform' when I saw the video of the first plane hurtling into one of the towers, and then saw 'live' the second plane as it crashed into the other tower. My feelings were ten feet tall and a hundred fold. But the most dominant of these was a profound feeling of obligation to protect the people of my country and an immense frustration with the fact that I (we) were completely unable to do so. We could neither stop the attack nor aid those suffering. We could only be spectators.

Over the coming weeks, months, and years that frustration matured and ripened into something I can't really describe. I can only say that it festers in my heart and does me no good there. We have seen our generation's Pearl Harbor. But we had no 'nation' to declare war on. Sure, we have sent thousands of men and women into battle ‘over there’ in some bizarre and vain attempt to strike back at those who have injured us so grievously – and in the process turned two sovereign nations upside down and inside out. But it was neither correct nor effective. One nut job and a few dozen of his followers are the people responsible for this whole mess. And we have hardly touched them. Thousands of US and allied forces soldiers, along with thousands of Iraqi and Afghani citizens, have died in this ‘war on terrorism’ and we still haven’t routed out the parties actually responsible for it all.

And now, for too many people, “the enemy” has become a diffused and indeterminate entity known as “the Muslims”. Meanwhile freedom of speech and religion are under attack in a nation that was founded on these very principles as we hurl epithets at each other over where to build a community center and whether or not to burn religious texts. Is this justice for those who perished on September 11, 2001? I wouldn’t say so. Whether I lack imagination or hope, I couldn’t say. But the sad truth is that I don’t foresee that they ever will have justice.

The only bright spot I see in the whole mess is that this nation has apparently grown a bit since WW II. At least this time around, we haven’t rounded up all the American Muslims into internment camps. Not yet, anyway.

Photo by David Karp can be found at: http://tinyurl.com/24htd2b

Beware Wolves Wearing White Hats

2010-09-04T02:32:00.005-04:00

I have been extremely judgmental this week. And, somewhat counter-intuitively, this has actually improved my life instead of diminishing it.

The first instance involves the loss of a social media ‘friend’. She is someone who has amused me frequently over the several months that we were ‘Facebook friends’. But she has also showed a tendency to make some rather harsh statements from time to time that rubbed me the wrong way. If I demonstrated the capacity to suffer fools gladly, we would probably still be ‘friends’. But she had the habit of demonizing those whose philosophy, or even existence, offended her. I bit my tongue and rolled my eyes when this tendency first reared its ugly head. And then I gently tried to persuade her that adopting a more objective perspective would enable her to feel more tolerant toward a given “offender”.

But this last episode involved her biased and, to my mind, rather ignorant judgment about me and mine. I was not able give a placid and measured response. Instead, I told her how I felt. I judged her every bit as harshly as she so frequently judges others. She was not able to withstand this assault with equanimity. In the common vernacular, she could dish it out but she couldn’t take it. And so she “unfriended” and blocked me.

I have mixed feelings about this. I sincerely regret that I will no longer be able to enjoy the pleasant aspects of her online personality. She has inspired many a smile and one or two instances of laughing out loud. But I am genuinely relieved that I will no longer have to tender to her the forbearance required to maintain our relationship. Every person has their own particular peccadilloes, but once a person becomes insufferable… Well, then, they should no longer be suffered. But I bear her no malice. If I could communicate with her I would send her my sincere wishes that she live a long and happy life. I won’t delude myself that she would wish me the same. I know her too well to believe such a thing.

The second instance of overtly judgmental behavior on my part involved my inability to accept the… um, ‘eccentricities’ of the instructor who taught one of the new classes I am taking. The term started last week. I knew on the first night that this man was going to be a challenge for me. But I held out the hope that I would be able to adjust and it would all work out fine. Unfortunately, this was not to be. I have long been of the opinion that there are two kinds of educators. One of these is the variety that enjoys sharing their knowledge and opening up their students’ minds to new ideas and experiences. And the other type is the sort who enjoys teaching because it affords them the opportunity to be the center of attention and to be in control of the fate of others, if only in a limited arena. It is clear to me that this ‘educator’ belonged to the latter category.

Perhaps I sound vain as I come right out and say this, but I’m used to finding that my input to the classroom discussion is welcomed and appreciated by both my fellow students and the instructor. I am not used to my ideas and/or perspective being summarily dismissed – much less repeatedly. This is what happened the first night of class. That, in and of itself, was disturbing. But if that was the be all and end all of this man’s transgressions, I might, after some soul searching, have decided that not being one of the ‘stars’ of the class might be an opportunity for personal growth. In other words, it would be a ‘character building’ exercise. However, he had other offensive characteristics with which I had to bear.

Another of his heinous character flaws was a tendency to judge the worthiness of others via his gonads. His undivided attention was simply not accessible to anyone he did not find sexually attractive. One might hold his attention only so long as there were no attractive and nubile young women in the vicinity. If one such creature stepped within his field of view, he would immediately cease listening to whomever he was conversing with and strike up a conversation with the young lady who aroused his interest. He must then be firmly encouraged to resume the conversation he so readily abandoned in the first place. All the while he would apparently be completely oblivious to how rude this behavior seemed to others.

But that was not his worst sin. The most insupportable aspect of his character was his adamant refusal to be of any assistance to students who were struggling with meeting his academic demands. When I expressed an inability to understand exactly what the assignment was, he inferred that this was my own exclusive failing – a notion which conversations with other students soundly refuted. When I shared that I was new to the school and unfamiliar with the facilities on campus, he expressed incredulity. Then he implied that my ignorance was an aberrant phenomenon and something of which to be ashamed. This exchange quickly escalated and manifested itself in the form of raised voices and uncomfortably heightened emotions. I knew if I remained in his class I would either fail completely or run the risk of making a complete idiot of myself while trying to uphold my sense of self worth. That being the case, I felt no anxiety or need for hesitation before weighing him, finding him wanting, and subsequently replacing him. I dropped his class and transferred to an identical course which met at a different place and time, and, most importantly, had a different instructor.

In the normal course of my life I am rather regularly reminded that being judgmental usually has negative consequences – either in the short term or further on down the road. So I tend to feel guilty after a bout of unfettered condemnation of others. And, while quietly reflecting on my activities over the last week, I fully expected to experience some remorse and angst as a result of my behavior. But these feelings never presented themselves. After giving all due consideration to the upshot of my lack of understanding, leniency, and apparent incapacity to forgive, I decided that it is sometimes good to exercise prudent, measured, and justified discrimination against the forces of prejudice and chauvinism. I believe this is especially true when these forces try to pass themselves off as good guys by walking on stage wearing white hats.

Photo by zoonabar and found at: http://www.flickr.com/photos/zoonabar/4616482864/sizes/m/in/photostream/

Is Same Sex Marriage A Threat To The Institution Of Marriage?

2010-08-27T16:32:00.000-04:00

Photo by Michelle Nichols

The following was originally written on May 17, 2009:

In reaction to the struggle on the part of the gay community to legalize same sex marriage, many people have said that this would weaken or degrade the institution of marriage. For the longest time I have been unable to understand why so many people object to gay marriage, or same sex marriage as it is often called. I literally could not understand why anyone would be worried about what two consenting adults did with their lives or how they characterized their relationship. I did not understand the very emotional responses some people had to the homosexual community’s struggle to gain for themselves the legal and financial benefits for couples in committed relationships that have been so long enjoyed by heterosexual married couples.

Then I realized that these people who objected to same sex marriage weren’t actually worried that existing heterosexual marriages would be damaged by gay marriage. It wasn’t the actual marriages that were in danger. It was the definition of the purpose of marriage that they felt would be changed by the advent of same sex marriage. This shift in the general understanding of the very reason for marriage is what terrifies these people so much.

For most people in modern western society, like myself, the purpose of marriage is the fulfillment of romantic love. Many in today’s world have come to view the purpose of marriage as an opportunity for two people who love each other to establish a (hopefully) lifelong relationship that fulfills their emotional and sexual needs, helps to provide financial security, and establishes legal rights for either spouse in the event of the incapacitation or death of the other spouse. For many there is also the desire to have their union recognized by society at large. And, for those who choose to have and raise children, marriage also offers the opportunity to do so with the help of a committed partner. If one sees the purpose of marriage in this manner, same sex marriage does nothing to weaken the institution of marriage whatsoever. In fact, as many same sex couples who desire marriage do so for these very reasons, same sex marriage would serve to further validate this definition of the purpose of marriage.

However, this notion of marriage for the sake of romance has not always been the case and is not universally held even in the United States. There is another definition of the purpose of marriage that predates the romantic view by thousands of years. That being that the purpose of marriage is primarily to successfully procreate and to ensure that property inheritance is tightly controlled by blood. This is all too often tied in with religious views indicating that this is how God ordained the institution of marriage, and deviating from this definition is a sinful thing to do.

For those who believe that all of the benefits of marriage are designed to help bring children into the world, raise them to adulthood, and be able to ensure that a man’s property is inherited only by his children, same sex marriage is, at the very least, illogical. At the worst, it is considered an abomination that serves to diminish the legitimacy of the very reason for getting married. Pope John Paul II, when referring to same-sex marriage, is quoted as saying, "It is legitimate and necessary to ask oneself if this is not perhaps part of a new ideology of evil, perhaps more insidious and hidden, which attempts to pit human rights against the family and against man." For many with this point of view the question becomes, “Why bother getting married if it is not about babies and property?”

The idea that the purpose of marriage is the fulfillment of romantic love is a relatively new one. Many cite the troubadours of 12th century France with the invention of what was called Courtly Love. In this early form, romantic love was not sexual because it rarely occurred between people who were married to one another. Marriages were arranged by the families involved to promote alliances which gave monetary or political advantages to both sides. There was no notion that the couple needed to have any affection for each other prior to the wedding – or even after it. It was a business arrangement that had the added benefit of promoting procreation and the religious ideology of the time and place. Courtly love, on the other hand, was an attachment between a man and a woman which was formed for personal gratification alone, and not for reasons of property, politics, or procreation.

It wasn’t until the institution of marriage was no longer the exclusive purview of the church that the religious mandate for marriage began to fade in Western culture. Although the Roman Catholic Church fought hard against it, the advent of the Protestant Reformation hustled in an era when marriage started to become considered less of a sacrament and more a civil contract. The Council of Trent declared in 1545 that a marriage between Roman Catholic persons would only be legitimate if a priest officiated the wedding and there were at least two witnesses. However, at the same time in regions of Europe which were affected by the Protestant Reformation, marriage required only the mutual consent of each spouse to be legitimate.

In the 17th century Protestant European countries began to see a shift from church to the state as the authority over matrimony. John Calvin (i.e. Calvinism) and his colleagues enacted the Marriage Ordinance of Geneva. This ordinance required “The dual requirements of state registration and church consecration to constitute marriage.” Later the Marriage Act of 1836 in England and Wales stated that civil marriages were to be recognized as a legal and binding without the involvement of the church. Civil marriages were recognized in Germany in 1875. Here the law stated that when both parties declare their will to marry in front of an official clerk of the civil administration, this constituted a legally recognized, valid, and effective marriage. By the 19th century, therefore, the religious aspect or character of marriage had begun to wane significantly.

Meanwhile the case for romantic love grew stronger. William M. Reddy, an instructor at Duke University, is quoted as saying, “During the sexual revolution of the 1960s and 1970s, it was thought that, when people were freed to pursue their desires without hindrance or moral condemnation, romantic love would fade out. The illusions and idealizations of love would no longer be needed to assuage feelings of guilt or selfishness. But the opposite occurred. Since the 1980s, romantic love has regained its old salience. It may be more important now than it ever was.”

Here in the 21st century, the desire for romantic love is front and center where most marriages are concerned. Modern western society has come to value a loving marriage so highly that a marriage contracted for any reason other than love seems, well, un-American. For most of those living in the United States, ending a loveless marriage is now seen as almost more noble and courageous than sticking it out. It is seen as wrong and unnatural to remain married to someone whom you no longer love. And so divorce rates have continued to climb over the last fifty to seventy-five years. People are now practicing so called serial monogamy by marrying and divorcing and then marrying again. This is all in the quest for everlasting romantic love.

It seems clear to me that the greatest threat to the institution of marriage in western society is not same sex marriage. It is, instead, our belief that we have the unalienable right to marry for love alone and to remain married only where there is still love. This is now more important than property inheritance, monetary wealth, or even raising children. For those who are anxious and worried that the institution of marriage is under threat, I say that you can stop worrying. The horse is already out of the barn. Heck, the barn is on fire and the earth has opened up and is proceeding to swallow it whole. But if you are looking for someone to blame for the demise of old fashioned marital values, you can forget about that old demon “same sex marriage.” It’s this world full of romantic fools who are guilty of the offense.

Works Cited

Reddy, William M. "The History of Romantic Love." Duke University. 2008. Duke University. 20 May 2009 http://www.duke.edu/~wmr/romantic%20love.htm.

"Marriage." Wikipedia, The Free Encyclopedia. 2009. Wikipedia. Web.15 May 2009. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Marriage#Definitions.

Witte, John Jr. From Sacrament to Contract: Marriage, Religion, and Law in the Western Tradition. Westminster: John Knox Press, 1997. Print.

Pullella, Philip. "Gay marriage, abortion new forms of evil: Pope." The Toronto Star 23 Feb 2005: A14. Print.

Brownback, Senator Sam. "Defining Marriage Down." National Review Online 09 Jul 2004 Web.15 May 2009. http://www.nationalreview.com/comment/brownback200407090921.asp.

Robinson, B. A. "SAME-SEX MARRIAGE AND CIVIL UNIONS Why do many gays and lesbians seek marriages and unions." ReligiousTolerance.Org. 05 Mar 2003. Ontario Consultants on Religious Tolerance. 20 May 2009 http://www.religioustolerance.org/hom_marwhy.htm.

Simpson, David L. "Chivalry and Courtly Love." The School for New Learning, DePaul University. 1998. DePaul University. 15 May 2009 http://condor.depaul.edu/~dsimpson/tlove/courtlylove.html.

Schwartz, Dr. Debora B. "Backgrounds to Romance: "Courtly Love"." Medieval Literature. March 2001. California Polytechnic State University. 15 May 2009 http://cla.calpoly.edu/~dschwart/engl513/courtly/courtly.htm.

Photo found at: http://www.reuters.com/article/idUSTRE5AI43M20091119

Direct your gaze inward...

2010-08-11T20:35:00.000-04:00

There has been much media coverage leading up to the one year anniversary of the release of Abdelbaset Ali al-Megrahi, the Libyan terrorist who was convicted of blowing up Pan Am flight 103 in December of 1988. A total of 270 passengers and crew were killed in the conflagration. Numerous groups and individuals have offered their opinions for and against the decision of the Scottish authorities to release this man on compassionate grounds due to his diagnosis of cancer and a reported prognosis of three month’s life expectancy.

This is an emotionally laden topic and it should not surprise anyone that parties on both sides find themselves quite wound up over it. The conflict touches on many issues not directly related to the actual bombing, but nonetheless brought to the foreground by the events surrounding his release and the furor which ensued because of it. What should, in a perfect world, be a simple disagreement over the disposition of a convicted terrorist has become enflamed by a culture clash of long standing which will not be unraveled anytime soon.

All that being said, I am writing in response to a particular set of statements made by Edinburgh’s Cardinal Keith O’Brien during an interview with BBC Scotland. I feel that some of the conclusions the Cardinal made about US culture were presented as if they were facts, instead of his personal opinions, and that he failed to correctly interpret some of the information he presented in his argument – thus rendering his conclusions specious.

Let me start by briefly stating that I have no objection to the Cardinal’s stated opinion that, “…the Scottish government was right to free Abdelbaset Ali al-Megrahi last year on compassionate grounds.” [All quotes attributed to Cardinal O’Brien are taken from http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-10905562] This was, I believe, the thrust of his purpose in giving the interview. He wanted to weigh in on the argument in favor of the decision made to free the man and the reasoning behind that decision.

His next statement did not surprise me. Cardinal O’Brien stated, “…US lawmakers want Scots politicians to explain their decision to a committee, but the cardinal said ministers should not go "crawling like lapdogs".” His is not the first voice to complain about the manner in which many US politicians and officials try to get their way in international conflicts. It is well established that the US government aggressively pursues its agenda throughout the world on a consistent basis, regardless of the particular culture with which it is dealing or the diplomatic history that is shared. I seek neither to deny nor to defend this tendency. I believe that every nation and/or culture has an innate sovereignty and its inhabitants will no doubt chafe when outside forces attempt to bend their governing bodies to their will. This is a natural reaction and Cardinal O’Brien’s sentiments in this regard are completely understandable to me.

The above referenced article continues with, “In an interview with BBC Scotland, Cardinal O'Brien said Americans were too focused on retribution.” My reaction to this was rooted in strong emotion. I’m not entirely sure that I agree or disagree with the Cardinal. Viewing it from the inside out, I would have phrased it differently. I will admit that I am afflicted with a wide spread attitude in the US that it is important to never take any assault “lying down”. It is not only “an eye for an eye” at work here (as the Cardinal alluded to later on in the article). It is, instead, the notion that a bully will continue to terrorize anyone who offers no resistance. However, if, at every turn, you confront anyone who injures you, other bullies will very likely think twice about messing with you. The Cardinal may feel this is not the best attitude and might very well adjure Americans to “turn the other cheek”. I don’t think he would find many converts to that position, however.

So far, I don’t seem to be in any significant disagreement with the Cardinal. However, I do actually have a couple of bones to pick with him. Cardinal O’Brien has every right to argue that American citizens and US officials who object to the early release of Abdelbaset Ali al-Megrahi are wrong in their thinking and/or actions. But I feel strongly that it is important for all parties to have a clear understanding of the difference between fact and opinion. Otherwise civil discourse is abandoned.

My first objection is that he stated that “Americans” were too focused on retribution. Not “some Americans” or “many Americans”. Without some word used as a qualifier, the reader or listener is left to assume that the Cardinal was referring to all Americans. It seems to me that the Cardinal has fallen victim to a failure of logic that many, many others have before him. That failure being the idea that America is a completely homogenous culture and that all Americans think and feel and act alike. There are more than 300 million people living in the United States. It is simply not logical, and frankly rather naïve, to assume that any group of people numbering more than 300 million would all agree on any single issue. Why is this important, you may ask? Isn’t it splitting hairs? Not really. By not recognizing the distinction between a very probably factual statement about the attitudes of some Americans, and an assumed attitude of all Americans, the Cardinal’s statement segues straight from verifiable fact to erroneous and ill-informed opinion – rendering his argument moot.

Secondly, what prompted me to write in response to Cardinal O’Brien’s statements was not actually his assessment of US culture, flawed as it may be, but the reasoning he offered to support it. The article immediately continues with the following which illustrates this reasoning to be defective: "In many states - more than half - they kill the perpetrators of horrible crimes, by lethal injection or even firing squad - I say that is a culture of vengeance…”

What the Cardinal failed to glean from this information is the fact that capital punishment is a deeply controversial issue in the United States and is hotly debated on an ongoing basis. America is profoundly divided over this issue. The very fact that we have come from a default state of capital punishment being universally applied throughout all US territory to that of just “more than half” implies a significant shift in philosophy over the past four hundred years. I submit that this lack of unanimity with regard to capital punishment is itself evidence that the US is not “too focused on retribution,” but is actually illustrative of a nation that continues to struggle mightily over the question of the best way to preserve the peace and ensure the safety of its citizens. A true “culture of vengeance” would not take the time to contemplate the justification of capital punishment. The question would simply not be entertained.

Some may argue that Abdelbaset Ali al-Megrahi is no longer a direct threat to anyone, due to his illness. The Cardinal may believe that this is the case. But many may not have considered the impact that this now seemingly harmless man has had since his [from http://news.yahoo.com/s/dailybeast/20100811/ts_dailybeast/9388_lockerbielovestorychildrenofvictimstomarry], “…abrupt departure from a Scottish prison, which abridged a life sentence for mass murder, [and] was garishly celebrated with a televised hero’s welcome in Tripoli orchestrated by Libyan leader Muammar Qaddafi.”

His deeds have been "celebrated" throughout radical fundamentalist circles around the world. This not only increases the likelihood that someone will seek to emulate him, but also serves to paint the picture that his actions were entirely justified and admirable. All of which results in quite understandable outrage and fear among the friends and families of the Pan Am flight 103 victims.

The article stated that the cardinal said, “…Americans should "direct their gaze inwards"…” -- I would like to ask the Cardinal to look into his own heart and see if he can’t find some small measure of empathy for those who have objected so vociferously to Abdelbaset Ali al-Megrahi’s early release. I wonder if, when he gave this interview, the Cardinal considered the dread and pain and outrage these people have felt since that event almost a year ago. Or did he think only about his own feelings of affronted patriotism? Only he can answer that question. And, as it is doubtful he and I will ever discuss it, I will probably never know.

The bottom line is that most of the outcry against his release has not been based in inflated national pride or some sort of rabid imperialist desire to control the entire world, but in nothing more bizarre and unfathomable than plain old-fashioned fear. That this fear has apparently manifested itself in ways that many in Scotland find offensive is unfortunate, and it would have been better for all parties involved if it were not the case. But I think it is important to remember that fear is a human emotion, and even when US politicians are being completely obnoxious and offensive, they are still human, and are at least as entitled to the Cardinal’s forgiveness and compassion as was Abdelbaset Ali al-Megrahi – even if they aren’t allegedly about to drop dead in three month’s time.

Photo is from the BBC Scotland article at http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-10905562.

Just catching up...

2010-01-25T19:51:00.002-05:00

I'm sorry I haven't posted here for so long. I have been busy/distracted/bogged down/lazy and generally have found other things to do. I have occasionally stumbled across a topic I would like to blog about and will probably get around to them eventually.

In the mean time I offer this very brief post just to catch up on things. I have done some walking as discussed in my last post. Although I have not been as disciplined about it as I had hoped. *sighs* But perhaps I will do better in the future. I have lost some weight. The last time I stepped on the scale I had lost 7 whole pounds. Woohoo! I have decided not to weigh myself more than once a month. This is going to be a long haul and I don't want to be discouraged my the natural ups and downs that ocurr in a woman's weight from week to week.

I am in the last quarter of school and working hard on preparing for graduation and getting a real job. *winces* This is a rather scary proposition to me. I don't have that much confidence currently in my ability to snag a job in general. And this economy is in such piss poor condition the odds are really not in my favor. But, again, the future may prove brighter than I fear.

That's about all I have to say at the moment. Take care everybody and stay safe.

Looking for another miracle...

2009-11-08T20:07:00.007-05:00

I have been obese twice in my life. I was never overweight as a child or as a teenager. The only time I have gained more than a few pounds was in response to quitting smoking. The first time was when I was 21. (I won’t shock you with the details of how long I had been smoking up until that point. That I will save for another posting.) I was not entirely aware of the weight gain as it was happening that first time. However, about a year after having my last cigarette, I realized that I had gained an unforgiveable number of pounds.

This actuality was brought home to me by a particularly painful incident involving a woman who had pretended to be my friend for a couple of years. I’ll call her ‘Brunhilda’ for the purpose of this tale. We met when we found ourselves sharing an apartment after a mutual friend, Michelle (about whom I blogged last month in 'Lost, but not forgotten...' http://tinyurl.com/yhpe8dm), backed out of sharing the place with me and I needed a roommate to help with the rent.

We remained roommates for a time, and then went our separate ways. During the time Brunhilda and I lived together, other friends commented on more than one occasion that this woman was not a true friend to me. I didn’t pay too much attention to this. Whatever shortcomings she had as a friend did not seem to have much of an impact on me at that point in my life. And, as we hardly saw each other after we ceased to be roommates, it wasn’t that important to me either way.

However, one day, completely out of the blue, I got a call from her. She said she wanted to see me and (somehow) talked me into going up to the restaurant where she worked to visit her. Foolishly, I did. Not long after I arrived she hit me with this tidbit in a very conversational tone:

“Wow, Michelle was right. You did get fat.”

This was not the kind of greeting I was anticipating. I felt the blow on two fronts. The first being that I was abused by two people I thought of as friends. I felt betrayed. I felt like an idiot – a schmuck. The second, of course, being that for the very first time in my life someone had called me fat. That’s not something you forget. Ever.

Years passed before I lost that weight. I’m not exactly sure how it started. But I finally came to a point in my life where I felt good enough about myself to start exercising and eating “right”. I started walking in the park on a daily basis. I was in the process of detoxing myself from the antidepressant Zoloft I had been taking to help me get over a bad case of unrequited love. I would walk through the woods and experience nature while pushing through the light-headedness and woozy feeling the drug left behind as it worked its way out of my system.

Many people ran past me wearing sunglasses and earphones. I remember wondering at the time why they would go to the trouble to come all the way to the park to run when it was obvious to me that they wanted neither to see the wilderness nor listen to the wildlife. If that’s the way they felt about the experience, why didn’t they run in a gym or up and down the street where they lived. People are funny sometimes.

Anyway, over the course of about six months I lost the excess weight. It felt like a miracle to me. I realize now that it was a man-made miracle, not one of divine instigation. Or perhaps it is more accurate to call it a ‘me-made miracle’. At any rate, I felt good about myself. I was mentally, emotionally, and physically in the best shape I had been in since I was a child. I was living strong before that phrase was even coined.

But the years went by and (for some reason that I am still unable to fathom) I started smoking again. And, as before, I eventually quit. Also as before, I gained a lot of weight. Once again, I have waited for a good stretch of time before beginning to lose this weight.

But now I’m ready for another ‘me-made miracle’. I’m fully aware that this time around it may be a bit harder. I am older now and have a slower metabolism. I acquired asthma a number of years back (I was diagnosed after I quit smoking the last time). This can and does interfere with exercising. And, unfortunately, I gained a good deal more weight this time around. But I am tired to the bone of being marginalized by the way I look. I want to be once again mentally, emotionally, and physically capable of enjoying every possible good and wonderful thing that life has to offer me. I want to ‘live strong’ again.

So, athletically shod and full of gritty determination, I venture forth yet again into the ‘wilderness of weight loss’. If you’re a kind soul, perhaps you would be so good as to wish me luck. If you are not such a nice person, have the courteously to wait until I pass out of earshot before laughing out loud.

And if I see Brunhilda on the road... Well, let's just say that the tread pattern on my brand new walking shoes would look very nice deeply embossed on her face.

Photo by Nadir Hashmi
http://www.flickr.com/photos/nadircruise/235855066/

Musings on a leaf...

2009-11-07T14:10:00.003-05:00

What is the destination of an autumn leaf? Knowing that it is fated to crumble apart and fall into nothingness, does it care whether it lands on rich soft soil that will drink of its essence gratefully, or on the cold, hard pavement that is neither nourished nor burdened by its moldy remains?

I once watched a dead brown leaf drift in a low breeze and twirl across the road. It was buffeted to and fro in an easy rhythm -- one, two, pause, pause, one, two, pause, pause, to the left, to the right, then hanging in mid air. It finally tumbled head over heels and smacked against the curb across the way. It sank there, and seemed to sigh. Was it disappointed? Relieved? Both?

The inquisitive element of my personality might wonder how this tale of an oak leaf’s end mirrors that of the human experience. I can certainly identify with the sense of being knocked to and fro. Inside each brilliant moment, each loosely linked episode of life experience that constitutes the chain of my days here on Earth, I have often held the belief that I was in control of the direction my life was taking. In the back of my mind, however, the quiet but strangely penetrating voice some might call one’s unconscious, always whispered the truth. I am but a leaf afloat on the breeze.

So the question I have is this: when each of us lights down on our final resting place, will we have found someone who will willingly act as our deep soft soil? Someone to love, honor and cherish us and be glad of our existence on this earth? Or will we be alone and forgotten, fated to be left to the tender mercies of the cold, hard pavement of obscurity? And what, if any, control do we have over it all?

Photo by Blue Stone Graphics http://www.flickr.com/photos/bluestonestudios/1195477131/

If you could only pick three...

2009-11-05T20:54:00.002-05:00

You know the old ‘personality quiz’ question,

“What three albums would you take with you on a desert island?”

I recently pondered this and it occurred to me that the question never addresses how it is these albums (presumably CD’s) are to be played. If we assume that a CD player is available, what about a power source? There are no power outlets on a desert island – by definition.

Batteries, you say? Okay. So what happens when they die? Oh, rechargeable batteries. Really? And how will you recharge them? Ah, I see. You will take a solar battery charger with you to this isolated little rock in the sea. Good thinking. Well done.

Right. So let’s take stock of things here. We have your three favorite CD’s, a CD player, rechargeable batteries, and a solar battery recharger. Excellent. We’re all set.

Hmm. But if we’re allowing the use of solar powered chargers, why limit it to batteries for your CD player? I mean, really, is that the only thing you can think of that would be useful on an uninhabited sandbar far from civilization? For that matter, why limit yourself to CD’s? I mean, if you have a reliable power supply, why not bring an MP3 player?

And, yes, taking this line of thinking out to its inevitable conclusion, you would eventually get around to including on this list a satellite phone which can be used to call in a rescue party. This, of course, defeats the whole purpose of being marooned on a desert island so you can choose which three albums you want and thereby give the questioner a glimpse into your personality.

So, after letting this question rattle around in my head for a few minutes I’ve come to realize that the whole scenario is completely asinine. Therefore I refuse to participate in such insipid inanity.

P.S. Ahem… But if I did answer the question, it would be Aerosmith’s first album (1973), Santana’s Greatest Hits (1974), and ZZ Top’s Rancho Texicano: The Very Best of ZZ Top (2004). Just sayin’….

Photo by Jonathan_W http://www.flickr.com/photos/s3a/1357093894/

Lost, but not forgotten...

2009-10-30T00:25:00.003-04:00

The following was written in July of 2008:

My best friend from childhood grew up to be a pathological liar, a grifter, a prostitute, and a heroin addict. She became addicted to heroin through the grace and benevolence of her “thirty-something” boyfriend Danny when she was only sixteen years old. From that point forward, there was never an alternative identity available to her other than that of victim with a capital "V".

I wonder what she would have become or accomplished had she never become addicted to heroin. Without that ever-present and overpowering weight to drag around, what kind of life could she have led? This line of thought provoked me to consider all that I have not accomplished. I find I don’t really have much in the way of achievements, and no real excuse for the lack of them. If I have managed to dodge the bullet (addiction and an early death) that Michelle did not, shouldn’t I show a little gratitude and get the hell off of my ass?

I have talent, intelligence, and ambition. The question is, why haven’t I demonstrated any drive? I have spent years feeling superior to Michelle because I had the good sense not to get involved with highly addictive substances (or people). But, really, which one of us has shown more of a “go-get-em” attitude? I know that Michelle expended huge amounts of energy and ingenuity in the pursuit of her fix day after day, month after month, year after year. It makes me so very tired just thinking about it. It makes me sad too.

God, what could that girl have attained if she had spent her life pursuing a passion instead of satisfying an addiction? For that matter, what could I accomplish if I spent my life pursuing a passion instead of satisfying… a sense of self pity?... an inflated sense of entitlement? What? Why haven’t I lived up to my potential? What is my excuse? Is there any?

I wonder if she ever had a dream. I call her my friend, but I’m not really sure that I knew her that well as an adult. We both ‘left home’ a bit early, and from the moment we stepped out the door and into the big, wide world we went our separate ways. We intersected each others' lives for shorter and longer periods after that time, but we were headed in such opposite directions that it was always with a sense of nostalgia and loss that we met. Childhood was over and we both knew it was gone forever.

Even as children, though, I don’t remember her expressing any particular ambition. The reality was that we were both pretty aimless as teenagers. I remember when we took off in her stepfather’s car. We didn’t have a plan, at least none that I recall. I was fifteen, she was fourteen. Neither one of us knew how to drive, but we both somehow thought it was an intelligent idea to steal a car. She wouldn’t let me drive and never gave me a good reason why not. I don’t know if she was trying to protect me from a felony charge, or if she was trying to make some kind of statement to her mother and didn’t want me stealing her thunder.

Either way, it was the last time the world viewed us as equals. The world tended to deal more harshly with her from then on out. She was sent to the rougher “youth facilities.” I went to the more “progressive” places. She was labeled a marshmallow head while I was branded a cabbage head – the idea being that she was vacuous and without merit, whereas I was simply making ‘bad choices’.

For some time now, several months to more than a year, I have had the feeling that she was ‘gone’. Until now, depending upon the mood I might be in on any given day, I have either defined ‘gone’ as doing time, missing, dead, or even in witness protection.

The last notion, that of her being in the Witness Protection Program, tickles me a little. But my consistent lack of faith in her ability to stay clean makes this little fiction improbable. There are, I imagine, rules and procedures that must be strictly observed by any and all who participate in the Witness Protection Program. I don’t think a heroin addict could or would be trusted to walk the line.

If she were merely incarcerated, I don’t think I would have had such a feeling loss connected with her. After all, there is nothing of which I am aware that is so different about a life hustling behind bars than that of one hustling in the ‘free world’. I really question, however, if she had ever been free.

From my perspective, being “missing” would probably feel no different from being incarcerated. Besides, her whereabouts have been slippery and quite impossible for me to pin down since we were still teenagers. Michelle always appeared when it suited her, and disappeared when it pleased her to do so. (I often got the impression that she didn’t want to me to see her at her worst for fear that I would judge her. Sadly, she was right.)

So that leaves death. I have wondered what sort of death this might have been. Quick and violent? Accident or homicide? She used to tell me the most horrifying stories of very near escapes she had from johns who were bent on robbing/raping/killing her. Or was it a slow and lingering illness? Did she waste away in a hospital bed? Alone?

But today, July 1, 2008, I found out definitively that my friend Michelle is dead. I got this confirmation when I stumbled across an internet link to the Social Security Death Index search engine. There I found out that she died on November 24, 2006, the day after Thanksgiving. She was thirty-eight years old.

I am brought to tears when I think of what her last days or moments might have been like. Was there anyone with her at the end? Did anyone care about her comfort or try to ease her fears? Was she buried by the state or did one or more of her relatives bother to give her a proper burial? Was she scared at the end? Or was she relieved? Did she know that, in spite of it all, I still loved her as I did when we were children? Did she forgive me for being so hard on her?

I will probably never know. All I do know is that her energy, perseverance, and ingenuity were squandered as utterly and without mitigation as my talent, intelligence, and ambition have been. She’s dead now. She will have no opportunity to reverse this travesty. Whereas I am still alive...

Hollywood: A Giant Pack of Brats

2009-10-03T23:37:00.004-04:00

Have you read about all this “Free Roman” fuss in Hollywood about the arrest and pending extradition of the award winning director Roman Polanski? I have, and it has left me wondering what the hell is wrong with these people. Do they really think a man should get away with drugging and raping a 13 year old girl, no matter how long ago it happened? Are they so enraptured by his talent as a director that they are willing to overlook the fact that he pled guilty to, and was convicted of, raping a child? Do they really think that we all should overlook it? What is going through the minds of all of these heretofore intelligent seeming people that makes it not only logical to let him get away without punishment, but actually imperative that he do so?

These are the thoughts that went through my mind over the last several days. I could not understand how a reasonable human being could think this way. Then it occurred to me that these people might not actually be reasonable human beings – or at least not reasonable ADULT human beings. I realized that these people were like little children who are in the store with their parents and find themselves mesmerized by a toy they are absolutely certain that their parents will buy for them. It matters not that there is no money in the budget for it. It matters not that they have plenty of toys at home and it is neither Christmas nor their birthday. Their eyes are all a-sparkle and their little mouths hang open just a bit and the entire world has faded from view, lost in the glow of their admiration and desire for this fabulous and wondrous thing. The universe is entirely filled with this sparkly and seductive new toy and there is no more room for logic or even a modicum of self control.

They thrust the toy in their parents’ faces and demand adulation of the creature from them as well. Isn’t it shiny? Isn’t it the coolest thing ever? Can they buy it, please, please, please? The hurt and betrayal in their eyes is so palpable that the parent who denies this greatest of all wishes must surely feel like they are abusing their child horribly and unforgivably with their swift and inexorable “no”. The child cannot understand why the parent doesn’t throw logic and responsibility to the wind and surrender to what must surely be their own equally unconquerable lust for this toy. How could they not understand that the child must have this toy or perish? How could they put any other consideration ahead of acquiring it? How could they say “no”?

I concluded then that what I thought had been the cacophony of Hollywood’s elite clamoring to support their dear friend and colleague, had actually been the chorus of enumerable 'inner children' desperately tugging on their parent’s sleeve and whining because Mom and/or Dad had the effrontery to say, “No. You can’t have the talented film director. The cost is too great. If we let him get away with raping a child, we may as well throw up our hands and not try to protect children from sexual predators at all.”

And, like a child whose disappointment makes them petulant and unreasonable, many of Hollywood’s movers and shakers will continue to sign protest petitions and spout nonsense about the why this was not really a crime and/or that it was so long ago, etc. But children need to learn they can’t have everything they want. It makes them better adults and enables them to function more effectively in the world when they grow up. Most of them do learn this lesson. And most of them eventually get over their disappointment, as well.

Eventually Hollywood will too. Won’t they?

Photo by 'Protopito goes to Nederland'

“England and America are two countries separated by a common language.”

2009-09-20T23:33:00.005-04:00

These, the words of the immortal George Bernard Shaw, are as true today as they were on the day he birthed them. In this age of the internet, with online newspapers and a plethora of personal blogs, residents of both the United States and the United Kingdom have ample opportunity to witness this schism first-hand. This, and the decades of film and television from both countries flowing freely back and forth, has done nothing to mitigate the colloquial gap or deeply entrenched divergence in spelling which exists. Online purveyors of language learning materials offer both British and American English language packages from which their customers may choose - almost as proof that they are separate languages.

You don’t have to look very hard to find references in the popular culture of either nation to find this linguistic clash has inspired both well-meaning and somewhat cruel humor in written, audio, and video formats. British comedians can always count on abusing American speech for a cheap laugh. The same is true for American comics, I suppose. Although it always sounds less derisive and more warmhearted to me when Americans humorists are making fun of British English. I can’t say for sure whether the reverse is true.

As a child I was aware that English was spoken with different accents in different parts of the United States. I moved from west Texas to Ohio at the age of seven and was painfully goaded into quickly changing the way I spoke. I adopted the local, and so-called ‘normal’, accent with a speed that left skid marks on my palate. However, the first inkling I had that there was a difference between British and American English was when I received the grade for my first spelling test in the fourth grade.

The summer before, just about a week before my ninth birthday, I was introduced to my first English author, Charlotte Brontë. The book, of course, was Jane Eyre. This was soon followed by an introduction to Jane Austen in the form of Pride and Prejudice. My entire summer was subsequently filled with works by these two authors. It will not surprise most of those who read this to hear that this influenced my spelling to a significant degree. I had actually immersed myself in the world of early nineteenth century England, and came away with the habit of spelling things like color and humor as 'colour' and 'humour', etc.

I was confused and disappointed when I got back my spelling test. I had failed. And while my pride balked in reaction to this new sensation (i.e. failure), I was unable to deny that the page was blood red with all of the words marked incorrect. Later that day, the teacher, Mrs. Lucas (a sweet woman who was to teach me English and Social Studies for the next three years), took me aside and asked me about what I had been reading lately. While she admitted that she was pleased to see me reaching further afield than Charlotte’s Web and the latest Judy Blume book, she very kindly made it clear to me that while I lived in the United States, and was attending school in the United States, I was expected to adjust my spelling accordingly.

This, as indicated above, was my introduction to the ‘variability’ of the English language outside of America. Over the next several years I was exposed in written and aural form to English as it is spoken across the globe. Recent exploration on the internet informs me that an estimated 375 million people in the world speak English as a first language [1]. Linguistics professor David Crystal calculates that there are now three non-native speakers of English (who speak it as a second or third language) for every native speaker [2]. Furthermore, there are about 55 sovereign countries and another 26 non-sovereign entities in which English is 'the' or 'an' official language [3]. (The United States is not on either of these lists as it stubbornly refuses to adopt an official language.) All that being said, it doesn’t take a genius to figure out that the English(es) spoken in Hong Kong, Liverpool, Kingston, and Chicago will all sound quite different from one another. The fact of the matter is, if you take into account all of the different dialects and pidgin versions of English that are spoken around the world, American and British English sound a lot more similar than you might otherwise have thought.

So, why all the fuss? Why all the friction? It’s been 233 years since we gave England the proverbial 'finger', and, while there have been the occasional disagreements or minor tiffs since then, we haven’t actually been at war with one another since 1812, right? In fact, the US and the UK have been allies for so long now it seems incomprehensible at this point to view them as adversaries. Can you actually imagine either nation declaring war on the other in this day and age?

I suppose you could look at it like an old family argument that keeps rearing its ugly head at reunions. The US was the first of the British colonies to leave home and she did it with a great deal of drama and trash-talking. Canada and Australia lived in their parents’ basement for a few years after college, but eventually they each found a place of their own (within a ten minute drive to Mom and Dad’s place). And India - well India was the youngest child and benefitted from all of its older siblings wearing the parents down to the point where they just accepted the fact that they would have to live with empty nest syndrome.

I guess that leaves the US in the role of an otherwise beloved child who frequently reminds its parent that children will and do break your heart. Pride in her intermittent accomplishments is thoroughly mixed with despair over her unladylike behavior and inability to play well with others. You can almost hear the speech, “Your brother and sister are doing so well. When are you going to settle down with someone special and really commit to your career like they have?” - Or something like that.

So perhaps the occasional caustic remark about American speech or behavior which oozes out of the lips of English comedians can be attributed to something other than an active and widespread dislike of Americans throughout British society. At least I hope so. With the popularity of the United States around the world at its lowest point in history following eight years of George W. Bush & Co., it would be sad to think that even family members don’t like us anymore. If that's the case, we can add that to the long list of things for which Dick Cheney should be made to pay. Not that he would ever pay such a debt, but it's important to make a note of it for bookkeeping purposes.

[1] Curtis, Andy. Color, Race, And English Language Teaching: Shades of Meaning. 2006, page 192.

[2] Crystal, David (2003), English as a Global Language (2nd ed.), Cambridge University Press, p. 69, ISBN 9780521530323, http://books.google.com/books?id=d6jPAKxTHRYC, cited in Power, Carla (7 March 2005), "Not the Queen's English", Newsweek, http://www.newsweek.com/id/49022.

[3] http://tinyurl.com/37z65d

Photo by Richard Cawood

The Last Polite Woman in Town Gives Up

2009-09-06T19:40:00.002-04:00

Or I certainly did consider giving up. After all, why should I continue to use the simple manners and courtesies that I learned as a child? So many others have apparently elected to forego the use of decent manners. Why should I be the last one to hop on the “rudeness, ignorance, and hostility” bandwagon?

I know, I know. I sound really bitter, and old, and cranky. But the truth is that I get truly and deeply tired of offering up timely and heartfelt apologies whenever I commit some minor offense against a stranger and then being treated as if I were a leaky bag of foul smelling garbage that had just been dumped on their front lawn.

Today, for instance, as I was deep in conversation while walking out of the grocery store, I lightly bumped into a woman as I passed her by. I quickly turned around and offered her an earnest apology as courteously as I could. Did she receive my apology genially? Did she smile and tell me there was no harm done? Did she even nod and go about her business? No. She literally rolled her eyes and curled her lip at me.

People, I don’t mind telling you that this kind of behavior really chaps my ass. In my opinion, if you can’t graciously accept a sincere and promptly offered apology, then you don’t deserve one. While fuming over this incident I briefly considered giving up on courtesy and manners altogether. That thought process went something like this:

That's it! I will no longer hold the door for the elderly woman walking just behind me. No more will I make an effort to allow others to merge into traffic ahead of me. From now on, I will leave my cell phone on and take calls in the cinema. The viewing pleasure of the rest of the audience who paid through the nose to see the movie is not at all important to me. When I approach a group of people waiting patiently for service of some kind, I will not ask politely where the end of the line is and fall quietly in place. Nope. No more. I will do and say exactly what I feel like whenever and wherever it pleases me to do so. From this point forward it’s “I, me, and mine” – the rest of the world be damned!

Yeah, well, okay. Once I cooled down it was clear to me that this isn’t the answer. But just saying it out loud made me feel a whole lot better. However, regardless of how good it felt to imagine myself being rude and self-centered, I know that the next time I am in public I will probably forget my bitterness and fall back on the habit of being nice just for the simple reason that ‘it’s nice to be nice’. Because, in reality, life is a lot easier when we all try to treat each other gently and with kindness. And I really do miss it when that’s not the way I’m treated by the world. I know that being rude to others will make me no happier than being treated rudely has. So, as trite as it sounds, I will ‘do unto others as I would have them do unto me’. At least then I won’t be part of the problem.

Photo by Calamity Hane

Why I Do Not Wear Fur

2009-09-04T02:17:00.002-04:00

My Tweeps, the people who follow me on Twitter (@lunarmovements), have already been subjected to this story about my “fur hat”. Which, if you think about it, is a testament to the strength of my desire to share the story. Being limited to 140 characters at a time makes storytelling rather laborious.

When I was 18 years old and still living at home with Mom, there was an electrical fire in the apartment next to ours. I remember that we were passively watching TV in the living room after dinner and were ripped out of our boob-tubing stupor by both the klaxon-like blaring of smoke alarms and the frantic sound of our neighbor simultaneously pounding on our back door while screaming for us to get out of the building. While this was undoubtedly not conducive to proper digestion, it was a great deal more exciting than whatever was on TV at the time.

My mother and I both decided to grab the cats and flee the scene. She was at a loss as to what to do with the cats once we were outside, however. We did have a cat carrier, as I recall, but I think it was in storage somewhere in the basement. Anyway, I suggested that we take the cats to my car. My thought was that we could all sit out the event in relative safety there. And, if things got really bad, we would be able to drive further up the block out of harm’s way. These decisions were made within seconds and we each ran around the apartment trying to nab one of our two cats as quickly as possible.

I went after Pigitha – or “Piggy” as she was known for short. Her name implied that she was fat. This was not the case at all. She was a very enthusiastic eater and always had been – thus the name. Piggy was a very, very large cat. She was long and tall and weighed about 24 pounds. If it were not for her very traditional silver and black tabby markings, she might have been mistaken for some exotic wild animal due to her size alone. But there was nothing wild or feral about her. She was just huge, and, as it happened, not very fast. I caught her right away and headed outside with her towards the car.

I believe a word here is merited about this car. This was not the family car. This was MY car. And, while it was truly beloved for its ability to transport me wherever and whenever my whim would dictate, it is necessary to accurately depict how unglamorous a vehicle this was. It was a 1979 Ford Pinto (yes, a Pinto) which was originally yellow and had been painted a dark blue. I knew that it was originally yellow because of the paint that was constantly peeling off the fenders. It had a leaky transmission that required me to put in a quart of lovely red transmission fluid every five or six days. I don’t remember how many miles it had on it, but they were numerous. My only defense of the car was that it was fairly reliable and it was already paid for – two of the most important qualities a teenage girl from a working class family looks for in her first vehicle.

And so, I turn back to the story. By the time I got Piggy outside and into the car the firefighters had arrived. The sights, sounds, and smells of the experience were all more than Piggy could handle. She was squirming frantically and it was all I could do to hold onto her without getting clawed to death. But somehow I managed to get her into the car. I quickly sat down and shut the door, all the while expecting her to crawl into the back seat and cower quietly out of sight.

But this was not how she behaved. As soon as the door slammed shut she scrambled up onto the back of my seat and crawled up ON TOP OF MY HEAD. Almost instantly she curled around my scalp like a turban and clung fiercely to my hair. If you will recall I mentioned earlier that she weighed 24 pounds. So you can imagine this was an uncomfortable sensation.

My mother slipped into the seat next to me as I was quite fruitlessly struggling to remove the beast from my scalp. Between laughing at the spectacle before her eyes and explaining that she never did catch our other cat she also tried to remove Piggy from the top of my head. She too failed.

While all of this was going on a good number of firefighters were making their way back and forth from the fire truck to the apartment building. I sat quietly and with as much dignity as an 18 year old can muster while they each did a double-take at the sight of my “fur hat” and pointed at me and laughed with each other about it. This went on for about forty minutes and then Piggy suddenly decided she wanted to curl up on top of my feet.

My physical relief was immense. But my embarrassment would not abate until all of the firefighters were gone. Even if I weren’t an animal lover, I think this experience cured me of wanting to wear fur. I can with all honesty say that I have never had so much attention from so many men at one time since that day. And I sincerely hope never to receive that kind of attention again. To me, wearing fur equals profound humiliation.

Photo by Squeezebox Huf